Kidding aside, well.. in all fairness to my husband, he really has been the best father to our son, Rafa.  And although a secretly known kuripot, he has always proved to be a great provider of our family.  I know he can make a good father to two, three, or even four kids.  But the thing is, I only wanted TWO.

Since neither of us doesn't want to concede on this petty argument, we have come to an agreement that IF in case our second baby would be a girl, then we'll have two kids; IF NOT, then we'll have three.  I really hope we'll have a girl on my next pregnancy!  *fingers crossed*  But whatever God's plan is, I'm good with that.  Thy will be done!

Please don't get me wrong, I am not pregnant.  But my husband strongly believes that baby #2 is due already.  (We wanted all kids to be finished with college before he turns 60.  He's 34 already, so I guess that explains the rush.)  I am just feeling a little bit apprehensive that I may not be capable enough to take care of a toddler and a newborn while managing a household at the same time.

Starting a family abroad is really challenging, especially when you do not have relatives with you who can give an extra hand during tough times.  Actually, I just realized how important social support is the moment Rafael came and I was left alone at home with him (because my husband needs to go to work).  Having a new born is pretty exciting but it can become equally demanding and stressful too -- it's just crazy to breastfeed a newborn every 2-3 hrs round the clock (or even hourly during growth spurts), deal with baby colic, and do the household chores (cleaning, laundry, ironing clothes, etc.) at the same time!  The very popular advice to new moms that says "sleep when the baby sleeps" was not applicable to me that time.  I was sleep deprived, tired, and overwhelmed.  No wonder I ended up having post partum depression.

You know, mothers are not like superheroes.  We are humans who need rest too.  And I guess, maybe, that's where all my apprehensions are coming from.  I'm scared of failing as a mother.  I'm worried of not being able to shower my children with the love and affection that they need simply because I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.  NO.  I don't want that to happen.

I have made a commitment before the Lord, the moment I married Ronnie, that I will be a good parent when I answered "YES" to the priest's question:  "Are you both ready to raise as good Christians the children whom God will give you?"  And I will keep that promise.

Having a child is indeed very fulfilling but it entails GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.  So we decided to have baby #2 once Rafa and I are both ready for a new baby.  When will that be?  I don't know either.  I just hope it's gonna be SOON!

Do you still remember the time when you had your heart broken?  I do.  Mine was five years ago, when my six years relationship with someone, who happened to be my first boyfriend also, ended horribly.  Yes, it was an ugly breakup.

Hurt is an understatement of what I felt back then.  I was devastated.  I was angry, resentful, and my heart was full of hatred.  I was bitter but never did I spoke any word about the issue simply because of one reason -- RESPECT.

It was also during those difficult times when my anticipated job offer from abroad didn't materialize. I was idle, unemployed, jobless.. Whatever you call it!  I was a brokenhearted woman who's struggling with career and personal life.

I remember my sister used to say that in life, some people tend to be lucky in career but unlucky in love; others won't have a successful career but would have a happy love life.  A few are blessed to have both.  On the contrary, I was left with neither of those.  What's even more unfortunate was I lost both at the same time!

My twenty four year old self was so overwhelmed of such loss.  I was trying to convince myself again and again that "everything happens for a reason," but alas, it meant completely nonsense to me.  It's really difficult to understand the logic why the world can be so unfair sometimes.  Maybe because I was young and immature.  Or perhaps, I lacked faith.

I doubted His justness and fairness.  Just like Kubler-Ross's second stage of grief, I found myself questioning Him what I have done wrong to deserve such heartbreak. I wanted to hear words that would help me understand the purpose of such pain, but all I heard was nothing -- only complete silence.

I was lost but I knew right then, upon hearing every lyrics of that song, I was never alone.  Amidst all the troubles and heaviness I had in my heart, I felt comfort.  I felt love.  I AM LOVED!

Moving on was never easy.  But it was something I had to do for myself.  So I decided to let go and chose to forgive.

Just as days passed and seasons changed, everything in my life also started to fall back into place and make sense -- I landed a job and started working locally, I got to know who my REAL friends are, and eventually, found a love that's honest and faithful.

Looking back, I have come to realize that such heartbreak was actually a blessing in disguise.  Have I not had my heart broken five years ago, perhaps, I wouldn't be where I am today -- LIVING A HAPPILY MARRIED LIFE, a dream I have always wished, hoped, and prayed for ever since.

So if one day you find yourself getting tired of all life's s**t, remember that life may sometimes not be fair but HE is.  Just take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and have faith that one day, all the pain would make sense too.  When that day comes, I know that just like me, you'll thank God too for a heartbreak that was not meant to destroy but to bless you, just in a way different than what you have expected.  And with that, allow me to end this post by sharing with you this beautiful prayer from an unknown author: